Why Fighting Shame Often Makes it Stronger: A Simple ACT Metaphor.
- lisa57142
- Jul 15
- 3 min read
Most of us know what shame feels like.
It can sound like...
"I'm not good enough."
"There's something wrong with me."
"If people really knew me, they wouldn't accept me."
Shame is one of the most painful emotions we experience. Naturally, we often try to push it away, ignore it or get rid of it altogether.
After all, who would choose to carry something that feels so uncomfortable?
But what if our struggle with shame is actually keeping us stuck?
Watch: An ACT Metaphor for Shame
A simple paper ball
Imagine taking a sheet of paper and scrunching it into a tight ball.
Now imagine that paper ball represents your shame.
When shame shows up, it's understandable that we want to make it disappear.
So we squeeze it tighter.
We push against it.
We fight it.
Perhaps if we try hard enough, we think it will eventually disappear altogether.
But no matter how tightly we squeeze the paper, it doesn't vanish.
It's still there.
Meanwhile, something else has happened.
While we've been using all our energy trying to get rid of the paper ball, we've stopped noticing everything else around us.
We become so caught up in battling shame that it begins to take over our whole world.
It's harder to be present.
Harder to enjoy the people we love.
Harder to engage in the activities that matter to us.
The shame becomes everything.
What if shame is trying to protect us?
One of the ideas I often explore in therapy comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
Rather than asking, "How do I get rid of this feeling?", we gently become curious.
What if shame isn't trying to hurt us?
What if it's actually trying to protect us?
For many people, shame develops as a way of keeping us safe from rejection, criticism or being hurt again.
It may not be particularly helpful now, but perhaps it began with a protective purpose.
Sometimes, simply recognising that can soften our relationship with it.
We might even find ourselves saying:
"Thank you, mind. I know you're trying to protect me."
Holding shame differently
Imagine opening your hand.
The paper ball is still there.
But instead of squeezing it, you simply hold it.
Not because you like it.
Not because you've given up.
But because you've decided to stop exhausting yourself by fighting something that's already there.
Perhaps you hold it with kindness.
With compassion.
With the understanding that this part of you has been trying, in its own way, to keep you safe.
The shame hasn't disappeared.
But it no longer has to consume all of your attention.
Making room for what matters.
In ACT, the goal isn't to eliminate difficult thoughts or feelings.
It's to learn how to make room for them whilst continuing to move towards the life that matters to us.
Perhaps you gently place the paper ball in your pocket.
It's still with you.
But now your hands are free.
Free to pick up a book.
Free to hold someone's hand.
Free to create.
Free to rest.
Free to take another small step towards what matters.
Shame may still come along for the journey from time to time.
But it doesn't have to decide the direction you travel.
If shame feels like something you've been carrying for a long time, counselling can offer a compassionate space to explore it together.
Not by trying to get rid of it.
But by discovering a different, kinder relationship with it, so that it no longer has to hold you back from living the life you want to live.
If you're looking for counselling for shame, anxiety, self-esteem or emotional overwhelm in Grimsby or online, you can find out more about how I work here.
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