The Hungry Tiger: What Happens When We Keep Trying to Get Rid of Difficult Feelings?
Most of us probably know the story of The Tiger Who Came to Tea by Judith Kerr.
A tiger turns up unexpectedly at Sophie's house, eats absolutely everything in sight... and then leaves.
Lovely story.
Slightly less lovely if the tiger actually turned up at your front door. 😂
But the story reminded me of another tiger - one that is used as a metaphor in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
Imagine there's a tiger outside your door
Imagine you find a tiny tiger outside your house.
You don't know where it's come from, and you're waiting for someone to come and collect it.
In the meantime, you have to look after it.
At first, it seems manageable.
Then one day it gets hungry.
It starts growling.
So you give it something to eat.
And it works.
The tiger settles down.
Problem solved.
Except... the tiger is growing.
The next time it gets hungry, it's bigger.
And louder.
And much harder to ignore.
So you feed it again.
And again.
And every time you do, you get some relief in the moment - but you're also helping the tiger grow.
Eventually, you're caught in a cycle:
The tiger gets uncomfortable ➺ you do something to make the discomfort go away ➺ you get some relief ➺ the tiger gets stronger ➺ the discomfort comes back ➺ you do even more.
And this is where the metaphor becomes interesting.
Because sometimes our difficult thoughts and feelings can work a little like that tiger.
When getting rid of the feeling becomes the goal
Think about anxiety.
You feel anxious, so you avoid the thing that's making you anxious.
The anxiety drops.
Relief.
Or perhaps you seek reassurance.
Someone tells you everything is going to be okay.
Relief.
You might check something repeatedly.
Relief.
Distract yourself.
Relief.
Keep yourself incredibly busy so you don't have to think about what's going on.
Relief.
None of these responses are stupid.
And this is important.
They usually make complete sense when we're distressed.
They're attempts to help us cope with something that feels less difficult.
The problem isn't necessarily the behaviour itself.
It's what happens over time.
If making the feeling go away becomes the main goal, we can gradually start organising more and more of our lives around avoiding that feeling.
And the pattern can become self-reinforcing.
The more we avoid something, the more difficult it can feel to approach it.
The more we need reassurance, the harder it can become to tolerate uncertainty without it.
The more we check, the more important checking can begin to feel.
The more we try to control a thought or feeling, the more attention and energy we may end up giving it.
And sometimes our lives become smaller around the things we're trying so hard not to experience.
So what does ACT do differently?
ACT asks a slightly different question.
Rather than simply asking:
"How do I get rid of this feeling?"
We can begin to ask:
"What happens when I stop fighting with it - and make some room for it instead?"
And then:
"What would I like to move towards, even with this feeling here?"
That's quite a different way of approaching difficult experiences.
It doesn't mean that we have to enjoy anxiety.
It doesn't mean that we should simply accept things that genuinely need changing.
And it doesn't mean that we never move away from something uncomfortable.
Sometimes moving away is exactly the right thing to do.
The question is more about function.
What are we doing?
What is it helping us achieve right now?
What are we trying to get away from?
And where is this pattern taking us over time?
You don't have to feed the tiger
The point of the Hungry Tiger metaphor isn't that you should somehow defeat the tiger.
And it's certainly not that difficult thoughts and feelings will disappear if you stop feeding them.
It's about recognising the cycle.
You might notice:
I'm feeling anxious.
I'm having the thought that something terrible is going to happen.
I'm really uncomfortable with this uncertainty.
I'm wanting to make this feeling stop.
I'm about to check again.
That moment of noticing can create a little space.
And within that space, another possibility can appear.
Perhaps I don't need to do what my discomfort is telling me to do.
Perhaps I can be kind to myself while I'm uncomfortable.
Perhaps I can choose an action based on something that matters to me instead.
The tiger might still growl.
And you might still feel uncomfortable.
But the discomfort doesn't necessarily have to dictate what happens next.
What matters to you?
This is where ACT moves beyond simply managing difficult feelings.
Because if we're not going to spend all our energy trying to eliminate every uncomfortable experience, we need another way of deciding what to do.
That brings us back to something much bigger:
What matters to you?
Sometimes people come to counselling and can answer that question immediately.
Sometimes they can't.
They may have spent years responding to what other people need, avoiding conflict, trying to keep everyone happy or simply getting through the next day.
They might know very clearly what they don't want.
But what they actually want their life to stand for can be much harder to name.
That's okay.
We can explore it.
Sometimes the things that hurt tell us something about what matters.
The relationships we care about.
The qualities we admire.
The things we're unwilling to compromise on.
The moments when something just doesn't sit right.
Over time, we may begin to develop a clearer sense of the direction we'd like our lives to take.
And then the question becomes:
"What small step could I take in that direction?"
Not when the anxiety disappears.
Not when we finally feel confident.
Not when the tiger stops growling.
But perhaps with the tiger still there.
What might this look like in counselling?
This is something we can explore together in therapy.
We can become curious about the things you do when difficult thoughts and feelings show up.
Not to judge them.
Not to tell you that you've been coping "wrong".
But to understand what those responses are doing for you - and whether they're still helping you build the life you want.
Sometimes that might involve talking.
Sometimes it might involve experimenting with something different.
The work can be practical and experiential as well as reflective.
Because understanding a pattern is useful.
But sometimes we also need an opportunity to experience doing something differently.
The tiger doesn't have to disappear
Perhaps one of the most important ideas in ACT is that we don't necessarily have to wait until difficult thoughts and feelings have gone away before we start living.
Anxiety may still be there.
Grief may still be there.
Shame may still be there.
Doubt may still be there.
Your mind may still tell you the same old stories.
And you can still choose where you're going.
You don't have to keep feeding the tiger every time it growls.
You can notice it.
Make some room for it.
And then ask:
"What matters to me here?"
"What would I like to move towards?"
"What could I do next?"
The aim isn't a life without difficult experiences.
It's a life where those experiences don't have to decide the direction of your life.
You don't have to wait until the tiger disappears before you start living the life that matters to you.
If this feels familar...
If you recognise yourself in these patterns, therapy with me can be a space to slow things down and explore what's happening beneath them.
My approach is grounded in person-centred counselling and informed by ACT, with a focus on developing greater awareness, compassion and flexibility in how we respond to difficult experiences.
I offer face-to-face counselling in central Grimsby and online counselling across the UK, including evenings and weekends.
If you'd like to explore whether therapy with me might be right for you, you're welcome to book a free Introduction Call.
Comments