The ACT Idea Behind My Ridiculous Happy Birthday Video
There are some things I do as a therapist that probably look a little odd from the outside.
Singing a negative thought to Happy Birthday is one of them. 😄
I recently made a video where I took a thought my mind gives me and sang it to the tune of Happy Birthday.
It felt slightly ridiculous.
That was rather the point.
The exercise comes from the work of ACT practitioners, including Steven C. Hayes and Russ Harris, and it's one way of experimenting with cognitive defusion - changing our relationship with a thought rather than trying to change the thought itself.
And cognitive defusion is one of those ACT ideas that can sound quite complicated until you actually experience it.
So let's forget the terminology for a moment.
When a thought feels like a fact
Our minds produce thoughts all day long.
Some are useful.
Some are completely random.
Some are lovely.
And some can be really difficult to live with.
I'm not good enough.
I'm going to mess this up.
They don't really like me.
I should be doing better than this.
I can't cope.
Something is going to go wrong.
We can have these thoughts so often that we stop noticing them as thoughts.
They simply become true.
And once a thought feels true, it can have a surprisingly powerful influence on what we do next.
We might avoid something.
Put something off.
Seek reassurance.
Try to make absolutely certain that everything will be okay.
Keep ourselves busy.
Withdraw.
Say yes when we really want to say no.
Or spend hours trying to work out whether the thought is actually true.
And sometimes we don't even realise we're doing any of this.
We're just following where the thought takes us.
What if you didn't have to argue with the thought?
This is where ACT takes an interesting turn.
A lot of the time, when we're struggling with a difficult thought, our instinct is to try to change it.
That's not true.
I shouldn't think like this.
I need to be more positive.
I need to stop thinking about it.
Sometimes we try to reason with ourselves until we can finally feel certain that the thought isn't true.
But there is another possibility.
What if the thought can be there without needing to be taken so literally?
This is part of what we mean by cognitive defusion.
Rather than trying to get rid of a thought, we begin to notice it as a thought.
Not a command.
Not a fact.
Not a prediction that has to come true.
Not something that automatically deserves our attention simply because our mind has produced it.
Just something our mind is saying.
So why on earth would I sing it?
This is where the Happy Birthday exercise comes in.
Think of a thought your own mind gives you that you tend to get hooked by.
Maybe:
I'm not good enough.
I'm going to mess this up.
They don't really like me.
I can't cope.
I'm going to get it wrong.
Now, notice what happens when you simply read that thought silently to yourself.
Perhaps you notice an emotion.
Perhaps something changes in your body.
Perhaps you believe it.
Perhaps you immediately want to argue with it.
Or perhaps your mind starts producing a whole list of evidence for why it's true.
Now imagine saying that same thought in a ridiculous singing voice.
The words haven't changed.
The thought hasn't been disproved.
You've not replaced it with:
"Acutally, I'm amazing!"
😂
You've simply changed how you're relating to it.
And sometimes, that small change can make a thought feel a little less powerful.
A little less compelling.
A little less like something you have to obey.
That's the interesting bit.
The thought doesn't have to disappear.
I think this is one of the most important things to understand about ACT.
Cognitive defusion isn't about getting rid of negative thoughts.
Because if the goal becomes "I need to stop having this thought", we've simply created another struggle with our own mind.
And our minds are very good at producing thoughts.
We don't get to switch that off.
The aim is something different.
It's about developing a little more space between ourselves and what our mind is saying.
Instead of:
I'm going to fail.
we might notice:
I'm having the thought that I'm going to fail.
That doesn't magically make the thought disappear.
And it doesn't mean we have to replace it with a more positive thought.
But it can create a little room.
And sometimes that room is enough to make a different choice.
Your mind is allowed to have an opinion.
One thing I really like about ACT is that it doesn't require us to win an argument with our own minds.
Your mind can have an opinion.
It can make predictions.
It can remind you of embarrassing things you did ten years ago.
It can tell you that everyone is judging you.
It can insist that you should have done more.
It can even confidently announce that something terrible is about to happen.
Your mind is going to do what minds do.
The question becomes:
Do I have to let every thought decide what I do next?
And that's a very different question.
Try it yourself.
If you have a thought that regularly hooks you, you could experiment with creating a little distance from it.
You might try:
saying "I'm having the thought that..." before it
saying it in a silly voice
imagining your mind saying it through a radio
repeating the thought either slowly or quickly until it starts to sound like just a collection of words
or, yes, singing it to Happy Birthday or any other tune of your choice 😂
You don't need to force yourself to believe the opposite.
And you don't need to make the thought disappear.
Instead, just notice:
What happens to my relationship with this thought when I change how I hold it?
And perhaps even more importantly:
What becomes possible when I don't have to wait for the thought to go away before I do something that matters to me?
Psychological flexibility isn't a quiet mind.
This is probably the bit that matters most to me.
Psychological flexibility isn't about reaching a point where your mind becomes calm, positive and wonderfully cooperative.
I certainly haven't achieved that. 😂
It's about becoming more able to notice what's happening inside you - thoughts, feelings, memories, urges - without automatically being pulled around by them.
Sometimes the thought will still be there.
Sometimes it will still feel convincing.
Sometimes it will be loud.
But perhaps you have a little more choice about what you do next.
And that matters because the goal isn't simply to feel better.
It's to have more freedom to move towards the life you want to live.
Towards the people you care about.
Towards the things that matter.
Towards the experiences you might otherwise avoid because your mind has convinced you that you're not ready, not capable, or not good enough.
And sometimes you can take your thoughts a little less seriously.
So yes, I really did sit in front of a camera and sing one of my negative thoughts to Happy Birthday.
It was ridiculous.
It was also a surprisingly useful little experiment.
Because the thought didn't need to be defeated.
I didn't need to prove it wrong.
I just needed to experience what happened when I changed my relationship with it.
And perhaps that's something worth remembering the next time your mind says something that feels very, very true:
A thought can be present without being in charge.
And sometimes, creating just a little bit of space between you and what your mind is saying can give you more room to choose what comes next.
If your thoughts are taking up a lot of space.
Sometimes it's not the existence of difficult thoughts that's causing the biggest difficulty. It's the amount of influence they have over our lives.
Counselling with me can offer a space to become curious about that relationship - not to fight your thoughts or force yourself to think differently, but to understand what's happening and explore what you want to move towards.
Counselling for a more meaningful life.
I offer face-to-face counselling in central Grimsby and online counselling across the UK.
If you'd like to explore whether counselling with me might be right for you, you're welcome to book a free Introduction Call.
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