Why We Don't Have to Put the Suitcase Down
Loss has a way of changing us.
Whether it's the death of someone we love, the end of a relationship, losing our health, our identity, or the future we imagined, life can suddenly feel divided into before and after.
One of the metaphors I often use in counselling is a little cardboard suitcase.
It sits on the table between us.
Not because there's anything magical about the suitcase itself.
But because it can help us think differently about what we're carrying.
What might be inside?
Imaging that everything connected to your loss is carried inside a small suitcase.
Not literally, of course.
But symbolically.
Inside might be memories.
Love.
Moments you treasure.
Words left unsaid.
Regret.
Hope.
Guilt.
The plans you made together.
The life you thought you would have.
Or perhaps parts of the person you used to be.
It's no wonder the suitcase can sometimes feel heavy.
The struggle to put it down
Many people come to counselling believing the goal is to somehow stop carrying it.
To "move on".
To get back to who they were before.
Or to reach a point where the suitcase no longer affects them
It makes sense that we'd want that.
After all, carrying something heavy is exhausting.
But I wonder whether we're asking ourselves to do something impossible.
Because if the suitcase contains love...
Why would we want to get rid of it?
Carrying it differently
From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) perspective, the aim isn't to throw the suitcase away.
It's not to pretend it isn't there.
And it's certainly not to minimise what we've lost.
Instead, perhaps the work is learning to carry it differently.
Not gripping it so tightly that it consumes all of our energy.
Not dragging it behind us in constant struggle.
But holding it a little more gently.
Making room for everything that's inside it.
Allowing grief to exist alongside moments of joy.
Allowing sadness to sit alongside love.
Discovering that we can carry both.
We hurt where we care
One of my favourite phrases from ACT co-founder Steve Hayes is:
"We hurt where we care."
I come back to it often.
Because grief isn't evidence that we're doing something wrong.
It's evidence that something mattered.
Someone mattered.
Our pain reflects the depth of our love, our hopes, our connection.
Perhaps that's why trying to get rid of grief often feels like trying to get rid of love itself.
There is no timetable
People sometimes ask me,
"How long should grief last?"
I don't think there's a timetable.
Grief changes.
It moves.
Some days the suitcase feels surprisingly light.
Other days it catches us completely off guard.
Neither means we're moving forwards or backwards.
It's simply part of living with loss.
You don't have to carry it alone
Counselling can't remove the suitcase.
That isn't the goal.
But it can offer a space to explore what's inside it with curiosity, compassion and acceptance.
Sometimes, simply having someone sit beside you while you carry it can make all the difference.
Not because the suitcase disappears...
But because you begin to discover that you don't have to keep struggling with it in the same way.
If you're looking for counselling for loss and bereavement in Grimsby or online, you can find out more about how I work here:
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